Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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