The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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