I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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