he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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