if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
