my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
