My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
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