Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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