Already got asked if we're dating
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
