My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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