Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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