If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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