I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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