I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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