I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
