My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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