Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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