An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
