Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
