she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
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Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
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And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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