So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
