I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
