The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
