just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
