I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
My breasts were aching with rage.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
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