i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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