I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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