she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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