I wish I could teleport
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
