So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
