So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
