I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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