god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
