Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
