i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
