ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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