So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
