I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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