And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
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Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
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He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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