I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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