I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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