i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
