i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
