awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
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