i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
