it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
