i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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