even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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