Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
