Heybabeimwearingurpanties
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
