i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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