Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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