How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
