Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Too much gin, very little bucket
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Randomize
