Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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