if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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